By: Luvya Gambhir (4J)
The following is a satirical article, and all names of people and initiatives used in it are purely fictional.
SINGAPORE, 20 FEB – In a groundbreaking display of scholastic innovation, students at Raffles Institution, a pre-tertiary institution in Singapore that celebrates its 203rd anniversary this year, have turned their classrooms into canteens. This bold new era in education, spearheaded by the student-led “My Classroom, My Canteen” initiative, aims to revolutionise study habits by eliminating the arduous commute to the school’s two, apparently too-distant, canteens.
Under this initiative, classrooms are now known as “Gastronomic Flexibility Zones.” The logic, proponents argue, is irrefutable: more time for revision. Eating in class saves time commuting from class to the canteen and vice versa. This comes in line with the school’s recently revised examination policies which have resulted in their weighted assessments being held almost every Monday of the school term.
Image: Students eating in class while studying (AI-generated: Gemini)
Although the school has 2 canteens, one in the Rajaratnam Block Foyer and another one at the far end of the Yusof Ishak Block, a significant increase in in-class dining among students and their peers was observed.
How do students get their food delivered to their classes, you may ask? Well, it is simple. Our undercover reporters, disguised as Rafflesians, (who are Oscar-worthy performers, by the way) uncovered two ingenious, albeit slightly sticky, procedures:
| Procedure One: The Proxy Procurement Method | Procedure Two: The Self-Service Stealth Maneuver |
| 1. Find a classmate that has already had breakfast and has decided to stay in class 2. Give the classmate some money Ask them to go to Chill@RIB or the Canteen to buy them a snack. Utter the sacred words: “Keep the change.” (A strategic manoeuvre to ensure future compliance.) 3. Receive the edible contraband. 4. Discreetly dispose of wrappers in the classroom bin. 5. If teachers ask why there is food in the trash, just say, “It must be someone who used our class for CCA”* | 1. Buy a drink or snack from the canteen or Chill@RIB 2. Keep the snacks in their lockers or underneath their tables 3. When the teacher’s back is turned, eat stealthily like a ninja.* |
*(Our undercover journalists noted that these pioneering culinary methods sometimes led to what the faculty termed ‘curriculum interruptions.’ Teachers, ever diligent, occasionally had to sternly guide students back from their gastronomic pursuits to the less flavorful, but equally vital, academic endeavors. Repeated occurrences, we are told, resulted in the issuance of the dreaded Major Offense Slips.)
One Year 3 student interviewed, who chose to be addressed as “Trallaleo Tralallah” even told us that “My class’s CECs sweep the floor during break times, so I can just throw the wrappers anywhere in class and I’m sure they will be picked up. The teachers passing by hardly notice. We just throw the trash in the class bin and wrap the ‘dabao’ box in a black trash bag which our CECs dispose of at the end of every break time”
In stark contrast, “Bombardiro Crocodilo” (not-real name), another Year 3 student, offered a refreshing perspective: “Since I bring my own food, and I don’t want my classmates to complain about the smell of curry, I just eat in the canteen with my mother tongue classmates. Plus, I think it’s good exercise to walk 500m to the canteen and 500m back!” A beacon of traditionalism, perhaps, or simply a student who enjoys his curry unmolested by the prying noses of his peers.
“Those, including myself, who enjoy playing sports like basketball use eating in the canteen as an excuse to bond with peers and blow off some steam after back-to-back lessons.” Said Brr Brr Patapim, (not-real name) a Year 2 student.
Image: Students eating meals in class (Photos: RPAC)
When we interviewed a physics teacher, Mr Tan on his views on this, he said : “Although it is unsightly to see food wrappers everywhere in the classroom, when students burp after eating or drinking, they are able to learn about sound waves.”
Unsurprisingly, the students’ “innovative waste management strategies” have regrettably birthed an enriched classroom ecosystem. This, of course, is perfectly “in line” with the school’s “Raffles Rewilding Initiative,” as classrooms now boast a diverse array of local fauna. Just last week, a prized rat, affectionately christened ‘Professor Chris Chomplumbus’ by his student admirers, made off with an entire bag of corn crisps during a Biology lesson. Coincidentally, the lesson of the day? “The Digestive System in Animals.” The irony, it seems, is not lost on the local rodent population.
Image: Can you label all the parts of the human digestive system?
The school management is currently investigating the matter and whether this school-wide initiative is truly benefitting the school or not. They are leaning towards the decision of cancelling this initiative. This is because teachers raised concerns over pests making the students’ learning environment rather unconducive. Who knew a rat named Professor Chris Chomplumbus could derail an entire educational paradigm?
Image: Professor Chris Chomplumbus munching on a block of cheese (Source: Ratatouille)
